It's embarrassing knowing that I look terrible and there is snot everywhere, and that my face is contorted from pain that isn't even physical.
And I bawled today.
I just lost it. I was trying not to. Trying so damn hard not to get attached, not to let myself think something good was going to happen for us.
Allow me to explain a little.
Yesterday a fluffy little black Pomeranian appeared outside.
He's a happy dog. Full of smiles. Loves to just wag his tail like mad when you even look at him.
He can sit, lay, roll over, shake, and even nuzzles against your leg for attention like a cat, but doesn't know how to play. Pick up anything near him or have something in your hand and he drops like you're going to beat the hell out of him. It's horrible to watch.
He was good with the kids. Amazing.
He didn't look twice at the cat. Amazing.
While my husband is allergic and it makes him super itchy, this dog has been running around outside for a while.
His thick fur is matted. His tail is sun bleached.
My father-in-law and sister-in-law found his owners up the road. They just let him run. He's an outdoor dog.
The neighbors have called animal control over him. He isn't neutered and, well, he marks EVERYTHING, and really likes the lady's.
My FIL took him back home twice, but he came back anyway. (The second time he was fastened in a kennel and the people just let him out and he came running back--a good mile away.)
He stayed all night. Each time I went to the door to check on him, there he was. Each time he saw me, he'd start wagging his tail, smiling.
It was so sad, seeing him so happy from so little. Like he had loved someone once, but they didn't love him back. The slightest bit of affection, and he was in love again.
Oh, I fought it. What if they came back to get him? What if he got hit? What if my FIL took him to the pound? Oh, I couldn't let myself get hurt like this.
He was there this morning when I couldn't sleep. He stayed all day. He didn't want to leave. He didn't leave.
He disappeared though.
We thought he may have finally went back to his owners. At least, until I got on Facebook today.
He was on the county animal controls' Facebook page.
He was found on this road. My god, I was so pissed off, but it was really little more than me trying to fight it... It was heartbreaking. Devastating.
Knowing how much our children liked him, how much we all liked him--my in-laws took him to the high kill shelter down the road.
We have no money.
We have no way of getting him back.
I fought those tears. So. Hard. But I broke anyway.
How could they do this? Without a word? Nothing? It's so heartless. How could you do that?
I get told what I hear quite often: It's their house. Another stab. Another pain. An old wound. God, it hurts.
Let alone that we have to be here. We don't have a choice. I work my ass off online to get enough money just to by diapers. My husband is waiting for work. We have no other options. We've lived in a tent, we've lived in a car, at the Red Cross, motels, etc. We have one room here, is it so horrible that we constantly have to be reminded of it?
I'm not just going to stand there and cry in front of the kids. I just want to leave when I get this upset. I don't want people around me. I don't want to seem weak. Damn it, I'm strong and crying is showing my weakness. I refuse to show people that side of me. I've worked too damn hard to put up this brave front to be broken by something that seems so trivial to them.
They just didn't get it. My husband tried. I didn't want to. He told me I needed to stand up for myself, tell them how horrible they were being, but I've never seen a point. When someone is too stubborn to put themselves in another person's shoes, there's really no reason for trying. You're just wasting your breath.
Honestly, the first time I was told little more than I needed to stop because I can't just leave because of it. Yes, I want to be scolded for something that you did to hurt me. Thank you so very much.
I did explain it. It hurt though.
You have to understand, we've been looking for a dog. It's just so hard to find something for everyone when you're a family of six. And find one that likes cats? And car rides? It doesn't happen. It's fucking impossible.
I stopped searching over the weekend. The search had broken me. It was something unattainable. Impossible.
Nothing good ever happened to us. No money, no jobs, no work... We couldn't afford a puppy. We could only find ones that "sort of" fit the bill of what we really needed for our family.
Then, as if by magic, this dog appears. All full of tail wags and smiles. Broken, a bit, but nothing that love couldn't fix.
I tried, oh so hard I tried.
I checked his teeth. He's about two years old.
I pulled on his fur, his ears, his tail, his feet... Nothing. No nips or anything.
I gave him a bowl of food. Touched his muzzle, the food, took it away... No response. He growled at the cat for doing the same thing though.
I couldn't find a damn thing wrong with this happy little dog, besides that he needed to be groomed, neutered, and get his shots.
But now, I don't have a choice. I suppose I never had a choice. They made it unattainable once again.
I had taken it as a sign. Maybe it was supposed to be. Maybe this dog appeared for a reason. Knew we needed him as much as he needed us.
And damn it, I really really needed something good to happen. It's been so long...
And I don't have a choice.
And it hurts more than I thought it could.
Maybe I'm broken. It feels like I am, because every time something good is about to happen it just goes away and I no longer have any control. I want to be able to control something about my life. It's crazy scary when it feels like you can't anymore.
And, of course, I can't stop crying again. I just don't know what to do. It's like my heart is broken all over again.