Sunday, March 04, 2012

Pregnancy Fog?

I'm to that horrible point that I vaguely remember well. That point where everything is moving fast yet not fast enough and my body doesn't want me to do anything.

I'm constantly in pain if I stay in one position for too long, but if I move I get sore and want to rest. Even the slightest bit of energy usage drains me to the point of falling asleep randomly and waking up covered in a puddle of drool after only five minutes.

I feel puffy and swollen though I am not. My head feels strange, distant. I have a hard time finding the right words and pause a lot in sentences that I already have formed in my head. I can't remember something I just did a few moments before and keep misplacing things.

Sleep is not enjoyable nor has it been for some time. It is constant tossing and turning and attempting to move without pain to no avail. It is fighting sleep and not feeling sleepy when I haven't slept besides the tiny naps after doing something trivial. I wake up often to change position and it pains me to roll over.

I startle awake often and see things that aren't there because I am not fully awake. I often drift right back off to sleep when this happens instead of panicking like I normally would. I find it hard to be bothered by it because my body just simply doesn't want me to fight it any longer.

Dreams are constantly filled with labor. Not so much pain or anything like that, but a fearful water breaking or waking up to find the baby crowning or other things of that sort. My water has never broken on it's own and I think that bothers me because I'm afraid if it does happen I will be alone with the kids or alone period and not know what to do.

I am consistently in a daze, though I don't want to be. I am hyper-critical of everything I ask my husband to do--which is not that strange--but he is taking it poorly and I don't have the energy to try to form a coherent anything to fix the problem. Hell, I can't even figure out how to explain that.

This is the time when I tend to forget a lot and not remember exactly what's going on later. Just like every time I've gone into labor, the time leading up to and the months afterwards are a completely blur. I assume it has something to do with my body just trying to keep up with the changes and stress and healing itself, but it's rather frustrating.

I don't want to have to fight through each day and feel like I am only half there, half alive. I don't like being like this. I don't want to have to fight my own tired and aching body just to make it through one day. I don't enjoy being in constant pain from lying down and not wanting to get back up. I want to be able to sleep and not be afraid of whatever it is that I will be dreaming and worrying about tonight.

My eyes are dry. My skin is warm but the cool breeze of the ceiling fan made me feel cold enough for it to be turned off. It gives me a strange feeling, a chill, that bothers me. My back aches from the center down and my sciatic nerve is sending stabbing pains down there as well. It is not fun, not at all.

I just want to be better. It feels like a sickness at this point. I don't think it should, but I am having so much trouble getting through the days now. I'm worried about this and that, thinking about things and attempting to get everything done now and not tomorrow just in case. But, it seems as though I am fighting the impossible and struggling more every day.

It was not so bad a few days ago. I could move a bit more, I could function. Now I worry about tomorrow when my husband is supposed to go back to work for the week. What am I going to do if I have another day like yesterday when I wanted to do little more than lie down in bed all day?

I don't want to sleep. I feel as though I have gotten enough but I know I haven't. I just don't want to keep waking up in pain and afraid that I've been laboring in my sleep and not even realize it. I'm almost scared to sleep, but once I lie down it feels as though nothing else matters in the world besides my body shutting down and resting.

I'll keep fighting it, because I have to. My eyes are heavy, sticky. I am having a hard time focusing on anything and each blink is longer than the last. I don't have to have my eyes open to type though, so here I am.

I do not enjoy being so tired that I no longer wish to sleep and try to battle with it in order to stay awake just the slightest bit longer. I fight and I fight and I fight and I will continue to lose this continuing battle with my own body that does not seem to be my own at this point in time.

I am nearly ready for this part to bed over with. I cannot move my head without feeling horrible, but I don't want to take anything for it. My body is not completely under my control and I am not used to the new way that it works and functions. I want it to be mine again, but I know the pain medication afterwards will do little more than make me forget the weeks after birth. That is how it has always been.

Maybe it will be different this time and maybe I will be better right away, but all I recall before was little sleep, contractions after the fact that caused me pain, and, worse yet, the immense amounts of pain from each tear more severe than the last and how long it took those to heal and how they still haunt me.

Should I be afraid? Worried? I don't know. I think it may be something to think about, if it weren't for the whole "in a fog" thing going on inside my head. I think I'm on autopilot and it gets me by. I am not acting nor being who I normally am and I don't like that. When do I get to be me again?


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